Forever.
Recently I had several conversations with different people with love.
One conversation dealt with love that lasts "forever." I am no longer a firm believer in this. I believe that it's possible, but I do not believe that it's typical. Love is, after all, nothing much more than a chemical process we experience. It's certainly possible to love more than once - I've loved three times. There were other times when I thought I was in love, but hindsight showed me that it was something else: dependence, loneliness, strong friendship, etc. Sure, some relationships last a lifetime, but could they last forever? Thousands of years? Doubtful. A lifetime really isn't that long. Of those I've talked to who have lasted a very long time, often neither is no longer "in love" but have developed a strong dependency on each other. Sure, this can be better than being in love, but we're talking about being in love, aren't we? More often than not, I hear that one or the other isn't really so in love anymore while the other partner is. This is hard on both sides (at least, if both sides understand what's going on!). One side is still head-over-heels, the other is tolerant of the love and devotion but stays for other reasons. To each his own.
True Love.
What I do know is that there is a "true" love. I felt that love when my son was born. That love will last forever, no matter what happens. He may become the next major serial killer, and I may not like him, but I would still love him. This is different from what a child feels for his/her parents. Plenty of people don't love their kids; plenty of kids don't love their parents. Plenty of people simply tolerate their parents. I'm more proud of my son than I can ever express. He's the best decision I ever made; he's the product of what is good in me - what little there is!
But I can love lots of people.
Leaving Georgia after 17 years has taught me that I loved my best friend more than I realized - and miss her more than I imagined I would. I want to cry just writing this.
Leaving James showed me that I can truly love someone I don't feel I can live with. This just makes me want to cry even more - for what could have been, for what was... the loss.
This summer taught me that I can love - truly love - two people at the same time. I never believed that before. Strangely enough, I don't feel confused over this. I've often thought that I wish I could combine these two loves. Yes, I'd love to have my cake and eat it, too. Who doesn't?
The Future.
I don't know what the future will bring. I hope there is still love. I hope someone loves me; I hope I have someone to love. I enjoy sharing and expressing my love. When I can't, I feel stifled, trapped, unhappy. I have to express my feelings in whatever way I can: cooking, caring for - whatever comes to mind. All I need is someone who will accept that from me.
eh.
